I have a question, lots of questions actually. Months down the line yet no clarity. Maybe that’s the wrong term to use. How do you term revelation but not one that can be implemented or seems useful at present?
I feel like my English has been failing me recently. Still here trying to figure life out or in other words “adulting”. There is this battle between giving up your dreams and facing reality which I believe a number or better put a majority of people face. Why do dreams have to seem so impossible, why do they require grit and determination and faith and belief. Not saying that it should be easy peasy lemon squeezy but why does it have to be so hard!!!!
I want to tell you my dreams but perhaps you would think I am crazy or even laugh maybe not out of the incredulity of it but the shock. Trust me even I get shocked as to how I got here. Why is this my dream? How is this my dream? It is so far removed from anything I have been but reflects where my mind, heart and interests currently are or want to be. What is painful is when I am encouraged to keep believing but there is no “light at the end of the tunnel” in sight. Maybe that’s too drastic. Let’s use there is no possibility of it happening soon instead.
Dreams are a beautiful thing especially when they come true. But let me ask you this, how does it feel to go from not having a dream at all for years on end and then finally having one? For me, its like a mix of I should have stayed in that place of uncertainty, minding my own business focusing on the mundane things of life and excitement for finally having a dream but it being so ridiculous that it makes me laugh, cry, want to throw it away, think I am living in dreamland, think it’s something I concocted and can’t be termed a dream.
Maybe I should stop listening to all this dream talk and vision talk. Maybe I should stop getting caught up in how to live life and just live it. Does not having a goal or vision really make you aimless or is that undue pressure from society? We aren’t all the same. Some people discover purpose or vision or develop dreams on the go while living life and taking each day as it comes, some discover it from a place of despair or hopelessness, some develop it from childhood and some people are just different and enjoy mundane things.
What do I do now? Can’t share the dream because on one hand I don’t want to be discouraged and told to give up and on the other hand I don't want that I am cheered on and given a boost. It’s a crazy dilemma of not trusting people to understand you but at the same time wanting people who get it in your corner.
Why oh why do we dream? Why is it such a thrill in the moment or moments when we do but torture when we realize the complexity and layers of it and the reality on ground as well as the long road to get there. Why is it even harder when you have to walk that path alone, no partner to be on this crazy ride with you.
I think I should give up my dream and face reality. For someone like me it would be much easier, less painful. But let’s see how that goes. Tried many a time to give it up but it still comes right on back. Honestly, it should just go away right? Leave me alone. Its causing me more heartache than joy. Disappear dream, Disappear! But do I really mean it? Will I look back one day and laugh? Is this state just one of those "this too shall pass" phases? I honestly don’t know at this point. All I know is my mind is in a mini battle zone. Head or heart? Which would you choose? Should you even choose? Or can they be synced?
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