What Makes You Happy?

My mind as a child all through my teenage years till my early twenties was filled with sadness, fear, low self-worth and just so much negativity. They say, ‘a picture says a thousand words’ but there really truly is such a thing as ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’.

A smile really does hide a lot. My smiles certainly have. I can’t really say for sure that the people around me know me completely. Even I haven’t known myself completely until 4 years ago. Then again, grief decided two years after to gallantly walk through my doors, take over and show me that there was still so much more to uncover.

Imagine living life not knowing what you like or what makes you happy, not having any hobbies or things you do for fun. Always stressed, always overthinking, always afraid, always being overly critical, never being able to take a compliment, always skeptical, always feeling like you need to earn everything.

What if I told you I grew up feeling different, feeling like I am weak. Not believing in myself. Is it wrong to cry? What’s so bad about a young child or teen crying? Who came up with the notion that kids have to toughen up at a young age? What made society even believe that? Someone please tell me. Why can’t a child cry and be comforted, told everything will be alright and encouraged to keep going.

They say spare the rod and spoil the child but as with everything else, do you think as humans we overdo it? I believe in discipline, training the child the way they should go but I also believe in nurturing. Why can’t the two go hand in hand and why is nurturing seen as a plague.

I struggled with who I was for years, living empty and not realizing it. I had no dreams, no aspirations. I didn’t think much about the future. My natural instinct was to panic. To believe everything will go wrong, to isolate and shut people out.

I could tell you how I became numb and disconnected from my feelings. How I never saw beauty within that it eventually stopped bothering me.

I could tell you how I so badly wanted to be understood to the point that I gave up and chose to understand others instead.

I could tell you how grief decided to force me to listen and learn and know.

I could tell you so much more but then all you would see is a very sad and hurt girl who lost her ability to cry.

I really could give you all the details but, in this moment, my mind has chosen to forget. To not dig deep into that pit and unleash all that sorrow and pain and heartache.

Instead my mind has chosen to focus on the good, at least for today. I finally found what makes me happy. It happens to be more than one thing which in itself brings me immense joy. I have also finally found beauty within. All that’s left now is to take that big giant step which I guess I already have.

Its okay to be sad, its okay to not be okay. You aren’t going to be happy all the time. What I have learnt from my life’s journey thus far, is that it’s important to know the difference between living in sadness, depression and negativity and just embracing the feelings you have as they come all the while making sure to not let them overpower you.

Am I happy? Yes and no. Do I want to just be happy all the time? Most Definitely Yes. Do I get tired? On a daily. Am I willing to keep trying? Yes. Has my journey been easy? Heck no. Do I downplay my issues? Yes, I do. Am I willing and able to make changes? Yes, only because I finally understand and have the tools to do so.

Unfortunately, physical suffering is more evident than mental suffering. Who has time to listen to your sob stories right? Its funny how complex mental issues are. You can’t hate those around you for not being able to relate. You also can’t fully articulate what it is you are experiencing for them to even remotely understand. You just want to be told that it will be okay, but the right words are never said.

You can be surrounded by so many people, put on a smile yet feel ever so lonely.

Sad isn’t it, but I do feel like most of us live this way. Wanting to be understood, putting up a front to not be labelled as weak, suffering deep down inside yet unable to scream, shout or simply utter the words “I need help”.

I could talk about so much more but what I would say is, your overall health matters; mental, physical, emotional, social and spiritual health. Don’t ignore any and don’t downplay any.

I honestly know that it’s easier said than done but just know that you are never alone. You might feel alone, trust me I have countless times! It’s very annoying and upsetting but please don’t give up.

I for one want you to win and I am 100% rooting for you! You got this!

Written by Seddie