It feels like until people walk a mile in other people’s shoes, they might not fully be able to grasp that in as much as words have power and motivation is the norm, there is such a thing as inner turmoil that takes over and makes someone feel incapable. It’s also easier to believe the bad than to hold out hope for the good.
Feelings and emotions have power too and cannot easily be dismissed.
I noticed this year that my love language had changed. Words of Affirmation rose to the top which was interesting as it used to rank 4th out of the 5 main ones we usually consider. Taking a closer look at my journey thus far, I don’t remember if I was affirmed as a child. From my memory, all there was is sadness and isolation which in itself is tricky as when I look at my childhood pictures, I am smiling in a majority of them. I am curious to know what my reality really was but also at the same time wanting to focus on the present and embrace who it is I am now and who I want to be.
Grief for one did a number on me and I am still reeling from the after effects. I don’t know whether to classify my experience these past 3 years as good, bad or ugly. I have felt so many things and felt nothing at all. I lost the essence of who I was and have struggled to regain that. Have I gotten back to who I was? No, I haven’t.
Am I still holding on to my past version? No. Learning to let her go and embrace this new version. This new version though is taking some time to get used to.It feels like having an empty house that you have to furnish and make a home and that takes time.
Good things never come easy
Life isn’t a bed of roses
Life can be hard but it’s also beautiful.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder
It’s all in how you look at it
{popular sayings}
I don’t know honestly. I am in a phase where its feels like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and now my body and mind have taken a break. Navigating new terrains while trying to understand what’s happening internally and needing support is a funny thing.
People say I am strong. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don’t. I mostly feel weak and vulnerable which isn’t a bad thing but for someone who used to cry a lot as a kid and more often than not, was told to toughen up, it’s a weird space to be in. I wish I could tell you how it feels but I can’t seem to find the right words to describe it.
I am good with words and then I am not so good with words. More like not good with describing how I feel in words. Most times even I don’t know what it is I am feeling. I have been learning to sit with my emotions, to feel them but not let them takeover.
Someone should have warned me that I was in for a ride.
It feels like going from being radio silent to the volume cranked up to the max. A shift that would rattle anyone. Your nerves get all shot and you have to calm yourself. I think instead of first turning down the volume, I have been trying to calm my nerves in the midst of chaos which in itself is futile.
Huh just learnt something and realized I described what it is. All credit to The Holy Spirit!
Another thing I am learning is to take every day as it comes and don’t stop praying. Majority of my prayers this past year are all about how I feel and not understanding what it means and also just going through the motions. Guess its like having a therapy session.
Some days I dream and imagine, some days I don’t have it in me and would rather just sleep.
Some days I am happy, other days I am sad and some days, I just feel emptied out.
For now, its step by step, day by day and taking it slow.
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